Looking back

Life's a funny thing, you live it and you wonder where it went. I decided to try and organize our old pictures today. I didn't realize what a bittersweet chore that it would turn out to be. I just wasn't prepared for how much time had gone by! As I picked up picture after picture, thinking this one couldn't be more than a couple of years old, I'd turn it over and it would be twenty years old. It seemed like I remember taking it last week. Pictures of my wife Mary and I , taken when we lived in Key West, almost forty years ago, boy were we young. Ticket stubs from an Elton John concert that we went to in 1973, boy were we young. Pictures of our 4 children as babies, one of my daughter when we were in Key West, I can't believe it was taken in 1972, 37 years ago. Happy and sad at the same time. But the thing that saddened me the most was the wistful look on my wifes' face on a lot of the pictures. I don't think she was very happy back then. Looking back, I guess I really don't see how she could have been. I was having a love affair with the bottle, and my job, and the million other curveballs that life throws at a young man. I wasn't even aware that she could be anything but happy with her life. But looking at the look on her face made me want to cry for her and the unhappiness that was written there. She looks so alone, and so burdened, how could I have missed it? The ache in my heart was as powerful as anything I have ever felt, I was embarassed and ashamed for failing her, as I must have. Today was the first time in my life that I wished that I could have gone back in time, and made her smile. And removed the wistful look in her eyes.
That look isn't in her eyes anymore. When she smiles, her eyes smile too. I realize what a gift that the Lord has given to me, and it is my responsibility to make sure that a frown doesn't appear on that still beautiful face of hers. I can't change what I failed to do all those years ago; I can promise to love, honor and cherish her for the rest of my life, and for eternity if I'm allowed to.

Special thanks

Kudos to Lloyd Blankfein, president and CEO of Goldman Sachs for earning 54 million dollars for leading his company into financial ruin.This compensation comes from the taxpayer bailout.Assuming that our boy Lloyd works a normal 40 hour work week, that breaks down to an hourly rate of $25,961.54.To put this into perspective,in 30 minutes, Lloyd makes as much as a $7 per hour worker makes in an entire year.But we can't bail out the auto industry and we can't help the home-owner faced with foreclosure. Gotta love it!!!
Kudos to advertisers for discovering how to raise the volume of their commercials,requiring me to hold the remote/volume control for the entire evening. Good show!!!
Kudos to the oil companies for figuring out a way to raise the price of gasoline to around $2 a gallon, when it should actually be around 75 cents a gallon, if you figure gasoline was $4 a gallon when the price of a barrel of oil was $160. A barrel of oil is now about $35 a barrel. You do the math. The answer for them is to reduce the amount they refine, creating a shortage, ergo the price goes up. What a country!!!
Kudos to the pharmacy industry for devising an illegal way to legally avoid paying taxes.According to a spokesman for the pharmaceudical industry, the government knows that we aren't paying, but our tax attorneys are so much smarter than the government tax people that they can't find a way to make/force us to pay our share. Great job!!
And to think that the demise of the good old US of A can be accredited to the salary of the united auto wokers. Shame on them for living a nice middle class life. Shame on the families of our military personel for requesting food stamps because they don't earn enough to make ends meet. Shame on John Q. Public for saving his money instead of filling the pockets of some rich CEO. And shame on our country for making heroes out of overpaid, steroid using baseball players, pot smoking swimmers, and a two term presidential regime that has put us on the verge of the worst depression in 80 years.

Excuses

The dog ate my homework. I ran out of gas. The alarm didn't go off. I was drunk. My dad was mean to me when I was growing up. My mom didn't breast feed me. And the list goes on and on. We have been using excuses since Eve blamed her sin on the serpent. I was the excuse king my entire life. Everything was my dads' fault. He didn't love me. He didn't respect me. It was perfect. I had carte blanche to do anything, because I had an "excuse". Man, I used it to death. Life was great until I reached the point that every human being reaches, I saw myself in the mirror. I saw the real person inside and I was horrified. And ashamed. Maybe my father wasn't the greatest dad in the world, but I had besmirched his life. I had diminished his accomplishments with my failures. But that is what we do. We make snap decisions and when they don't work out we place the blame on someone else. And there lies the problem. We have lost the ability to accept responsibility for our actions. We watch it on the tube every night. We read it in the papers every day. Lawyers are making millions dreaming up new excuses for our behavior. The O.J. defense, the twinky defense,anything to keep us from assuming responsibility. What has happened to us? Why can't we admit when we are wrong? Are we that far removed from a Christian society that we no longer have the ability to say "yes I did it and I'm sorry"?
Eventually, we all have to live with our decisions. We all will have our time in front of the mirror when we are confronted with with our real selves. When every lie, and every deception, when every disgusting feature of our inner person is exposed to us. And some of us won't be able to accept it and will continue in the same manner until they are confronted by the Lord when they die. What excuse will you use to Him? The devil made me do it?
And then some of us will change. Everyone has the chance, at least once in their lifetime, to accept the Lord and better themselves. To accept the fact that they are sinners and cannot get through this life and find a place in heaven without His help. It is impossible to do it without Gods' help. Only then can we find the forgiveness for our sins and failures and move on. Only then can we find the road to satisfaction and happiness that God wants for us. Get on the greyhound bus of life and let God do the driving. Do it and I promise you that you won't be able to wipe the smile from your face. Because you won't ever have to use an excuse again. God is the driver of your destiny and He won't let you get lost in your life again.

I finally get it

My dad was the only child of drunken parents. I don't think their example honed my fathers' parenting skills. My guess would be that he was as ill-prepared for my birth as a person could be. Which gives me a whole new perspective about him. And about the way I've felt about him all of my life. I'm certain that he did the best that he could do with what he had. I'm sure that our childhood was a sight better than his was; according to my mother , it was a living hell, as they were the laughing stocks of the neighborhood. So dad, I forgive you. And I'm sorry for whatever hell that I may have put you through.
Just knowing this makes me understand so much about my life. Or what I remember of it. I think that I may have unconciously let my life pass me by. I spent all of my life worried that I would screw up. Which only made me screw up all the more. And my dad was always a witness to every screw-up. It's no wonder that he basically tolerated me, he must have thought that I was the biggest goof in the world. Sadly, he never knew the real me. My life began when his ended. All the pressure to out-do him ended. All the pressure to live up to his expectations died with him. It's funny now but I was as much if not more of a man than him but I didn't know it until he passed away. And now I'm 58 years old and finally free of him.
I wish that I could live some of those years over, but I guess that God had a reason for it. Maybe He has plans for me to help young men that come from homes with domineering fathers. Fathers that have destroyed their sons' self-confidence and made them question every move they make. Who could help them better than me ?

How to make your life less complicated

For 56 years I lived my life in a fog. The fog of indecision. The fog of doubts. The fog of insecurity.Life was a blur, as I tried to maneuver my way through the many obstacles of survival in this complicated world that we live in. Although I had become a Christian I was still struggling to trust in God. I still didn't see the big picture. I still thought that I could manage my life, and worship the Lord at the same time.Hah! What a laugh. I was no better off than I was before. I was still thinking that I had all the answers. But luckily, I was going to a bible study and I found out about using the gifts that the Lord wants us to have. And the biggest gift of all is giving your heart and soul to Him and letting Him guide you. I'll grant you, it's the hardest thing to do, but wow, do you reap the benefits. When you give it up to the Lord, and you pray to Him to give you answers to your problems, He answers them. Every time. You just have to listen, and watch. Some times it may not be the answer that you want, But He will give you an answer every time. And what a relief it is. Having God in charge of all your decisions. Think that He would lead you astray? So do yourself a favor and give God a chance to make your life as easy as mine is!

God rules

it's been months since i have had time to ruminate. lately i have been looking back over my life and i realized that all the years that i attributed good luck or good fortune for the things i have accomplished, i was dead wrong.was it luck that landed me on an admirals' staff for my tour in the far east during the war? was it luck that landed me in key west for the remainder of my navy duty? i don't think so. was it luck that gave me the strength to overcome the horrible hangover i had when i took the firefighters exam? was it good fortune that i worked 31 years in the most dangerous profession and at almost 58 years old i can still function pretty darn good? i don't think so. it was all God. He has had His hand on me my entire life. and i can never thank Him enough. i can only hope that to be the best cheerleader for Him that i can. everything that i have, every day that i see my children and their successes, it is a tribute to Him. thank you God

I hate to say it but:

5 and a half yrs. ago i was faced with a decision. stay in the neighborhood i had lived in for 28 yrs. or move because the crime and drugs had gotten so bad. i chose to move because i was going to hurt someone and go to jail, or someone was going to hurt me. either way i was a loser. so i moved. i really hated moving as i had completely remodeled my home, the right way. my son insisted that we sell him the house, what person wouldn't want to move into their childhood home,especially when it didn't need a thing,so against our better wishes we sold it to him. now here it is 5 and a half years later and he just told me he is putting the house up for sale. what a shame! the house will be in someone else's possession for the first time since 1973.i just want to thank the drug dealers and the thugs and the hookers for uprooting all of us after close to 35 years